Carry on up the Kaboul!

What does the X Factor and Mark Chapman have in common. Murdering Beatles.
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If the world had always been ruled by giant beavers, the Danish pastry would never have been invented. (The Big Bang Theory, Channel 4). See below for explanation.
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Sorry but I'm going to talk about football. But in a general way.
Today I watched the first half, got pissed off and went out for the rest of the day. If I was the superstitious sort then this would have to be an annual ritual now.
I used to have these little rituals like parking in the same place and walking the same route to the ground but when my wife pointed out that it hadn't worked for 20 years, it made me decide that, like horoscopes, lucky heather and God, it was basically bollocks.
Now I realise that what I do makes little difference to whether or not they win or lose.
I once went to Anfield, only once. It happened to be the day when we beat them there for the first time in 75 years - since the sinking of the Titanic I believe.
I could argue I was the reason why. I was the one who brought the luck. But if that was the case then me and Danny Keene wouldn't have been jumped by a gang of Tacchini-tracksuit wearing Scousers after the game. So it wasn't that lucky.
In a similar way, I have stopped using the argument 'but I pay their wages' when I'm annoyed at them.
I've had a season ticket for 25 years and been going to matches for a dozen years before that. If you add up all the money I have spent on admission in that time it comes to around one week's wages for some of the players today.
So I have come to the reluctant conclusion that my support has made absolutely no difference to them whatsover.
But of course this makes no difference. I should be asking not what I have done for my team but what have they done for me. And on days like this, the answer is: quite a lot actually.
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Talking of football, here's a message to Andy Townsend (and others). If you add the two letters 'ly' to the end of some words then, as it by magic, you get an adverb.
This fulfils several criteria. It better describes want you want to say and has the added benefit of being grammatically correct (see, grammatically. Not grammatic.)
It may not matter but considering you get paid enormous amounts of money to talk on television then you should get it right. Even if what you say is tripe anyway.
So don't say: Crouch has been playing brilliant. Milner passed the ball excellent. I'm a crap commentator who doesn't speak proper.
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Knowing about physics is, let's say, the equivalent of matter. Not knowing about physics is, let's say, the equivalent of anti-matter. I don't know anything about physics but if I did I would know that when matter and anti-matter meet you get annihilation. They destroy each other.
As I don't know anything about physics, when someone tries to explain this to me it reacts to my lack of knowledge and creates an explosion that knocks something interesting out of my head.
Last week the papers were full of that experiment at CERN that created anti-matter. Reading it meant that I can no longer remember the album World Shut Your Mouth by Julian Cope.
That's what happens when I try and learn something about physics.
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Beavers and Danish pastries....according to the show, which remains a hidden gem in the schedules, the answer is that to please their beaver overlords man cuts down forests to create damns which floods low lying cities, among them Copenhagen where they invented the Danish so the pastry would never have been invented.
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Back to more non-footballing issues from now on...COYS...Solly