Nutters

My wife did something called a brunch today for around 30 local friends which gives everyone a chance to talk about 4x4s, school fees and Grade 7 Flute exams while enjoying bacon sandwiches and Bucks Fizz.
It was very enjoyable and could become a regular feature on the Golden Triangle social circuit I fear.
I'm thinking of doing something similar for my old Ilford friends involving lager, Marlboro Lights and chewing gum where we can talk about football and laugh about incidents which make me look bad, such as the brief time during the early 1980s when, for reasons which had nothing at all to do with me, I was banned from The Papermaker's Arms in Ilford, The Hare in Harlow and the Camelot in Chigwell all around the same time.
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You can't help it. There's bin a mdda (as Taggart would say) and the TV news focuses on a suspect who has a) a distinctly dodgy haircut, b) an eccentric dress sense or c) talks slightly oddly, possibly a bit posh or affected. And everyone watching Sky or BBC News 24 immediately goes 'I bet he did it.'
The press, I am afraid, does not help. They dig up some odd fact - he was once in an Abba tribute band perhaps - or a Facebook picture where he dressed as as a nurse for a party (and come on, we've all done that...er, haven't we?) and that's it. He's as good as convicted.
Of course there are other signs and not just the usual stuff about playing video games or owning a pitbull called Rooney. Look out for anyone who has changed their name to that of a film star or singer with whom they have an obsession, gives their house a 'funny' name instead of just a number, supports Arsenal and waits for hours outside the stage door of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical wearing a jacket with badges representing all of Lord Fishface's other theatrical hits - all these are sure signs of a potentially psychopathic nature, some would say.
But if you really want oddballs then look no further at the throngs of weirdos gathered behind the 'expert' on any edition of Antiques Roadshow. Round 'em up and throw away the key your honour.
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I got stopped by the police the other day. First time in ages it was. What happened was I was driving across London taking two office chairs from my old office to my new one when one of the anti-terrorist roadblock officers with nothing to do, put his arm out and got me to stop as a line of traffic gathered behind me.
He lectured me long and hard how it was an offence to transport goods not strapped down in a saloon car which could be a danger, how it could cost me three points and he could impound my car. Then he said 'happy new year' and let me on my way.
I discovered long ago that listening intently, nodding in agreement and saying thank you works a lot better than arguing or calling them a 'jobsworth' - though he did have that odd little jobsworth moustache, you know like Bob Ainsworth has and seems to be particularly popular with Brummies.
For the first time in almost a decade, I have no points of my licence going into the New Year and I intend to keep it that way as it has already cost me around £8k in an invalid insurance claim some time ago.
Anyway, when he said 'why do have two chairs in the back, I resisted the urge to say 'because the wife wants a car with a couple of extra seats in the back.'
Mind how you go....Solly