One of Tony Blair's most fawning acts of arse-licking was, in my opinion, giving Sir Alex Ferguson a knighthood (once he'd got Alastair Campbell's head out of the Manchester United boss's rectum). At that time Ferguson had won the European Cup (Champions League or whatever it is called) just the once. That's fewer than Brian Clough, Bob Paisley and the same as Ron Saunders and Jock Stein, none of whom got knighthoods.
Since then United have won it once more and perhaps if he hadn't got his honour back then, Ferguson's achievement in the Premiership alone may mean he warrants the gong.
But in 25 years he has now won the world's top club competition twice. Pep Guardiola has won it twice in the last three years. If he was British he'd probably now be Lord Guardiola of Peckham and be allowed to marry Pippa Middleton.
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What's the biggest issue affecting middle England? Tax rises? Immigration? Post Office closures? No, if you read any of the mid-market papers, it's quite clear what keeps us awake at night. Fortnightly bin collections.
And to appease the armies of readers of the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph - plus the half dozen who still get the Express - the government is going to reintroduce weekly bin rounds.
As if any of these people would ever vote anyone but Conservative anyway.
But why? I don't consider myself an eco-warrior but the way I see it, if you need your main dustbin emptied every week then, quite simply, you are creating too much rubbish.
I don't know how it works where you are but our council is a mix of Tories and LibDems and NIMBY independents who want to see the whole district coated in yellow lines and speed bumps made out of East European immigrants.
We have our green wheelie bins collected weekly. They are full of garden refuse and chucked out food. The main black wheelie is domestic rubbish and collected fortnightly and in the weeks in between they collect the bags of recycled paper and plastic and a crate of empty Waitrose wine bottles (except the bloke three doors down who, every fortnight, fills a blue crate with empty bottles of whisky).
And the thing is, it works. Perfectly. Those who want can get a slightly larger black wheelie but I have three kids, a childminder, a cat and a dog and make do with the small one. The dog and cat is relevant as they produce quite a lot of waste between them.
On one hand we want the council to cut back on what it spends and on the other we want a totally unnecessary extra bin collection for every single home in the country.
Big plastic wheelie bins means foxes, rats, stoats and wildebeeste don't go rummaging around the remains of my Dominos vegetarian supreme or Whiskas rabbit in jelly.
Eric Pickles - and you all know exactly who he is - spouted some nonsense today about how it's every Englishman's right to have the remains of his chicken tikka masala collected weekly. Like he's ever thrown away any food.
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The shelves of Sainsbury's are laden with cucumbers and other salad staples, according to my wife. Apparently they are selling like the opposite of hot cakes (cold cakes?) And I feel partly responsible.
You see, we did a story for the papers this weekend about an e.coli outbreak in Germany which has affected 500 and killed around a dozen. And it's all down to killer cucumbers.
It is worth noting that the story clearly stated the rogue veg were organic ones from Spain - Almeria mainly where thousands of Brits live in caravans and spend the afternoon watching reruns of EastEnders on satellite televisions. I know, I've been there.
Anyway, the point is, most of the salad veg unsold in the supermarkets the day the story broke was not from Spain. But that doesn't stop a good scare story doing what it does best - frightening the living daylights out of us shoppers.
I would feel guilty but ever since Sainsbury's insurance went to extraordinary lengths not to pay out a claim when my car got stolen, I hope the bastards suffer.
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All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace (I think that's what it's called). Can't quite make up my mind if this is brilliantly inspired or just odd. One thing's for sure. Much as we moan about the BBC, I can't see this programme being made by anyone else and for that reason, I'm going to persevere.
It's just a bit, well, clever. It's got no chance against Britain's Got Talent for most people I guess.
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Springwatch. Always fabulous. Tonight they showed a beaver examining a tree trunk (that's not a euphemism.) The long-haired bloke on it who so desperately wants to be Chris Packham, said it was 'reading the tree like a bar code'. That'll be a barkode then.
Incidentally, did you know that the Welsh word for a red kite is barcud. Not a lot of people know that. I know it because my dad was a volunteer at the Red Kite centre in Tregaron, Wales, for a year or two before he died and, as a family, we became rather obsessed with these magnificent animals.
Hwyl fawr...Solly
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