Apparently Wayne Rooney tweeted a lovely message on the death of Henry Cooper describing him as a gentleman who will be sorely missed, adding 'and when he wore that Fez he right cracked me up he did.'
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Country Life has a rather amusing list in its current edition of 39 things young people should be able to do. It includes such gems as skin a rabbit, reverse a tractor, host a dinner party, do card tricks, know how to address royalty, dance a waltz, know the difference between Chardonnay and Chablis and handle a shotgun (of course). It's very good - see this link: http://www.countrylife.co.uk/countryside/article/524440/Country-Life-s-39-steps-to-a-better-life.html
Naturally this does not apply to the likes of me and you though it does raise an interesting point about the extra-curricular life skills we should hope our kids can manage by the time they leave school. For those of us with teenage children growing up in a more urban environment, the kind of skills they need by the time they leave full time education are very different. So here's my 39 skills young people without land owning parents should know:
1.How to speak to a 'gangsta' without sounding like Ali G.
2.Tell the difference between chicken sold at KFC and Nandos.
3.What to do when spilling someone's pint in a pub
4.The areas of London where you should not let anyone see you have a mobile phone.
5.How to check a partner's Facebook without them knowing
6.Know at least one off licence which will sell you Smirnoff Ice without asking for ID.
7.Where to buy cheap drugs without getting ripped off.
8.When to adopt a glottal stop to avoid standing out for sounding too posh.
9.The best shade of fake tan for a night out.
10.Recognising the one person on a nightbus you should definitely not sit next to.
11.Driving a car out of a pub car park when you are being chased.
12.The best place to buy pirate DVDs.
13.Spotting a paedophile who wants to follow you on Twitter
14.Joining in a conversation about rugby among posh people.
15.Being able to discern the best daily deal on a Dominos menu.
16.Making a cocktail involving cheap cider, red bull, vodka and coke.
17.How to roll a joint.
18.Travel from A to B on public transport without paying.
19.Dance to the latest mind numbing bass-laden music without looking like your mum/dad
20.The nearest place to buy a morning after pill
21.The words to at least three songs you may need for a karaoke club
22.Know a few words in at least five languages including Polish and, if buying a Big Issue, Glaswegian.
23.Tell the difference between a pit bull and a Staffie
24.Which pubs to avoid if Arsenal are on TV
25.Name all the cast of EastEnders
26.Correctly pronounce every type of coffee, and cup size, from a Starbucks menu board
27.Gatecrash someone else's party by claiming to know another guest
28.Recite the names of the winners of Big Brother from the past nine series
29.Be able to fake a sickie
30.Convince your parents you paid back the tenner you borrowed
31.Memorise the times of the last tube from Central London
32.Know how to convey irony and sarcasm in a well written email
33.Be able to convincingly give someone the wrong number when they ask for your mobile number
34.Remember to claim Irish heritage every St Paddy's Day
35.Successfully lip synch the lyrics to a rap song in a nightclub
36.Get a tattoo that won't look naff in ten years' time
37.Be able to kick a football properly (for boys) or throw a ball (for girls)
38.Recognise the first signs of an STD
39.Support at least one political cause that you'll regret in later life
As for most of these...I'm still learning!
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I'm still waiting for the Daily Mail, in its exhaustive coverage of the death of Osama Bin Laden, to tell me exactly how much his luxurious rural country compound has been valued at by the local estate agent.
Apparently, when he died he had 500 Euros and two phone numbers stiched in to his clothes. Investigators are trying to work out who the numbers belong to. The comedian John Moloney came up with a good suggestion today on Facebook. Why not ring them?
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Talking of comedians, when did it become de rigueur for every stand-up to end his or her act by reminding the audience of their name? I think, but may be wrong, that this was something started by that very good looking funnyman Ben Elton - you know the Jewish one with the dark hair and glasses and shiny suits. Damned handsome fellow. He always said 'my name's Ben Elton, good night'. Now they all do it. Except they use their own name, not Ben Elton. Did anyone do it before then? And why do it? We know you're Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr or John Bishop or whoever it is.
Contrary to several dozen people who, in the old days, would stop me to point it out, my name's not Ben Elton, good night...Solly
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