The Daily Express has a four page pullout on the royal wedding which it describes as indispensable. I've checked. It isn't. I do this so you don't have to.
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How do you know if someone has an MBA? Simple, they tell you within half an hour of meeting you.
They don't just come out and say it, though it is often the first thing they really want to say, as in: "Hi, I'm Mike, I've got an MBA, I bet you haven't. It's what makes me better than you. I love earning money - does it make you feel poorer than me?'
What they actually say is, after a couple of lines of conversation 'uh huh, yuh, there was like, this guy who I met when I was doing my MBA'. Because they all speak like that.
And they all have that look. You know THAT look. The slightly preppy, clean cut face with an expensive but not too trendy haircut. They wear smart casual to work and match jeans to a jacket when socialising (they often iron their jeans too.)
They like those reddish brown brogues and thin suits which they think makes them look like Don Draper. Actually they look like those guys in Reggie Perrin who used to say 'great' and 'super'.
At work you'll hear them say 'don't bring me problems, bring me solutions' or some other sage advice that they think will make them the next Rupert Murdoch but will actually make them the next David Brent.
At weekends they pursue something a bit show offy like doing an ironman challenge crawling across the Kalahari while towing an elephant on a pushbike or something they can boast about on Facebook. And they are more likely to prefer rugby to football and will often be at Twickers in the corporate box.
MBAs are a cottage industry - when the cottage is a second home in Tuscany which you nip off to when not in your London penthouse where you entertain lots of people you think are friends but very few who would actually cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire.
It costs a lot of money to get an MBA, and it's not easy but the reward is a feeling of superiority like you've managed to get into the most exclusive club in the world, a cross between the Groucho, MCC and The Stonecutters, the fabulous Freemason pastiche in The Simpsons.
People with an MBA gravitate towards other slightly nerdy obsessives with an MBA but don't do very well with real people. That's partly because they can't talk about anything unless it has some kind of monetary angle where they can inject a little nugget of wisdom that reinforces the fact they have got an MBA.
They fancy themselves as Buddy Fox, the character Charlie Sheen played in Wall Street. And most of them will probably end up as the character Charlie Sheen appears to be playing in real life.
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Talking of wankels - is it just me or does anyone else feel a bit uneasy about those TV ads in which Japanese giant Mazda cashes in on the memories of Hiroshima to promote its range of its cars (most of which are only suitable for hairdressers of course).
Next week, VW reflects on its roots as Hitler's 'people's car' and Mercedes boasts of how the spirit of Princess Diana goes into every car it makes for its Paris market. Or is that Fiat?
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Andrew Marr said that he took out a super injunction to protect his wife and three children from harmful publicity. Of course, there is a better way to protect one's wife and three children from being upset and hurt and that's not to boink some posh bint with wobbly eyesight in the first place. Blimey, what is it about the £600,000 a year famous TV presenter that helps him pull a not unattractive nor unintelligent female journalist? For the rest of us, the thought of Marr making the beast with two backs gives the phrase 'gagging order' a whole new meaning.
He said: 'I did not come into journalism to gag journalists'. I think he meant 'shag'.
By the way, for anyone wanting to know who the woman was/is, then just look up the excellent political blog by Guido Fawkes who revealed her identity way back in 2008.
And boy do I hope someone uncovers something salacious about Louise Bagshawe, the horsey looking chic lit writer turned Tory MP who thinks she's fabulous now she's appeared on Have I Got News For You?
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I happened to buy the People newspaper on Sunday. I had my reasons. It wasn't because of the front page but I bet a lot of people did part with a pound when they saw the headline about William's stag do and a picture of the Prince half naked wrapped in feather boas with his arms in the air.
Millions - well hundreds - will have bought the paper believing it to be a real exclusive about the heir's recent stag do. And they will have turned eagerly to the inside pages to discover it was a photo taken at someone else's birthday party in 2003. Nowhere did the front page say this WAS his recent stag party but nowhere did it make clear that it wasn't. So no law was broken, but I bet a lot of people who bought the paper last Sunday and do not usually will remember having the wool pulled over their eyes and use this information when they come to make purchase decisions in the future.
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I noticed that Metro used the word 'til' in a headline this morning. Not 'until' or 'till' but some kind of hybrid slang term. Is this part of the wonderful evolution of language, a poor sub not able to find an alternative in the English language or just tosh?
Til next time....Solly
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