Unlucky Heather

My little niece, Heather, who lives in Aberdeen (Scottish Heather) is only six. But she's lovely - to us anyway.
Yesterday she was at her local swimming baths and she saw GB Olympic hopeful and local hero Hannah Miley practising for the Commonwealth Games.
Hannah's stroke is, apparently, butterfly. So Heather says: "I want to do that," and jumps in alongside Hannah. She then swallows so much water trying to do the butterfly she throws up in the pool.
The announcement goes up that everyone must leave the water while they begin 'netting'.
So the whole place is evacuated, the pool closed and if Hannah Miley fails to win Gold in the Commonwealth Games then we know who to blame!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Which reminds me of a great quote from Victor Lewis Smith (who may well have pinched it) when he reviewed a Little Chef restaurant once. It had a smoking section which he said was about as segregational as having a non pissing section in a swimming pool.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's no good, it's been going for a whole year or more but the sight of 'DJs' on the Halifax bank's staff radio station, particularly the woman doing 'ISA ISA baby' still makes me wish there was someone with a shotgun nearby.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover versions. Sometimes I just don't see the point. You have a great song and then someone else does it but in exactly the same style. Ronan Keating is the latest. He's done an album of Bacharach songs. Every one of them has been done 100 times and, let's be fair, better in most of those cases. Put simply, he has nothing to add apart from that slightly nasal voice.
I know it's a matter of taste but even the greats do it. I love David Bowie to bits but Pin Ups is my least favourite of his albums (up to Let's Dance, after that it's all a bit downhill quite frankly.) Pin Ups is an album of covers and not worthy of the Thin White Duke (and what was all that Aryan stuff about Dave?)
I love The Jam but don't see any improvement in their version of David Watts. I quite like The Fall but they didn't do much with There's A Ghost In My House which was that much different to the original.
Of course, there are exceptions. The original of Light My Fire was brilliant and true Doors fans may have been revolted but at least Jose Feliciano did something different (although Will Young just redid Jose Feliciano) and I happen to think Stevie Wonder's version was out of this world. Even the instrumental by Ananka Shankar was, I thought, wonderful.
Similarly, I Put A Spell On You (Nina Simone, Credence Clearwater Revival - two very different versions to the original) and talking of Bacharach, you have to hand it to both The Stranglers and Isaac Hayes for doing two very original and distinct versions.
But back to the original question, I guess that if you like Ronan Keating you'd buy a recording of him filing his nails. Personally, I find the sound of nailfiling to be nicer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So I've been invited to a 'Royal Wedding Party' next door, at the South Africans. They've asked us to bring a bottle and wear a hat. I know I'm a Republican but I love a bit of a do. But what kind of hat should I wear?
It's a bit like the boat race. I actually went once when I lived, ever so briefly, in Putney, but I couldn't get excited about either team. It's still on the BBC who probably think they are satisfying some public service edict to the posh inbreds.
I notice Oxford and Cambridge are no longer the best universities in the world and it's no surprise if they would rather let in square jawed foreigners whose only ability is to row a boat rather than be bright.
The race took place today, along with some violent protests in central London.
So what self respecting student is going to spend today standing by the banks of the Thames painting their cheeks light or dark blue in the hope of getting a quick shag after some posh bloke who might eventually make them rich when they could be in central London throwing fire extinguishers through the window of Top Shop. Beats me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The terrapins are back. Every year walkers, cyclists, doggers, witches, gangsters dumping bodies and other regular visitors to Epping Forest are taken aback by what look like dinner plate sized, slightly flattened German helmets on an island or floating on a branch in the water of Strawberry Pond.
They are terrapins - I believe they are known in their native Florida as red-eared sliders. Every year when there is a sustained burst of sunshine one or more of these animals come out to bask in the rays. The rest of the time, experts believe, they lie at the bottom of the water where the temperature remains at a constant few degrees above zero no matter what it is doing on the surface.
It's a remarkable sight though not completely welcomed by all. They are the result of being pets that outgrew their original tanks and were dumped in the pond. Probably around the time of the last big wave of Ninja Mutant Turtle hysteria (the only superheroes who are more recognisable when wearing masks than without them).
They are unlikely to breed, say wildlife experts. And they feed on the ducklings and goslings produced by the pond's resident Canada Geese, mallards and other ducks (including another introduced species, the Mandarin).
But as to those of us passing the pond while walking the dog, it's quite a sight. There's not that much variety in the forest so anything new and different is a bit exotic to us.
Turtly yours...Solly