Catherine Zeta Jones got a CBE for something or other. Possibly charity work for Help the Aged, I don't know. But add that to Lord Sugar, Lord Coe and Lord Archer and you see why the honours system in this country is so corrupt and phoney. I hate it, as you can probably guess.
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We all do it. We all pretend that what we do for a living is really complicated and only years of training and experience can make us do it better than everyone else - whether that's plumbing or IT or journalism or teaching. Well, maybe not teaching. And certainly not travel journalism. No offence to all my mates who are travel writers but destination stuff, it's really not rocket science. I've done a couple and all you have to do is remember some simple rules. Let's pick a place at random. Ilford, say. But try this with your own home town and you'll see how easy it is to be a travel writer. It's so easy, some newspapers let celebrities write their own travel pieces. So here's how to do it.
First, start with a cliche. Ilford is a town of contrasts. That's a good one. Google 'a city of contrasts' and you will get results for Havana, Frankfurt, Mumbai, Istanbul, Hamburg, Caracas, Bratislava and Bogota. And that's just the first page. Most of it written by pompous travel writers who probably own a hat and a cream suit and have lost all touch with real people.
Next, chuck in some topographical, geographical and historical shit to justify the city of contrasts shit. Eg: Ilford lies nestled between the old East End of London and the brave new world of Essex, leading to a clash of cultures that has existed for over 100 years.
Say something nice about the people. Mention the phrase 'melting pot' and mention some ethnicity. Ilford was settled by Hugenots, Jews, Chinese, Irish, Indians, that kind of thing.
Chuck in a made up fact posing as a myth or legend using the words 'they say.' Like, 'they say King Arthur stopped in Ilford on the way to Camelot.' And then add a complete non-sequitur to prove you know a wide range of useless facts. 'Centuries later it became the home of the world's first ever disco.'
There's more of course. A bit of personal stuff that you think makes the piece different from someone else who may have written about the same place. 'This is the face of Ilford that you won't find on the tourist map'. Or makes it funny 'this is the Faces of Ilford that you won't find on the map...Faces the nightclub that is.' And imagine the reader holding their sides as they split.
Finally, end with a schmaltzy piece of crap that will make the tourist authority press office love you and possibly help get your quote used on their literature. 'The Romans came to Ilford over 2,000 years ago and liked it so much they stayed for 200 years. And after being treated to the town's famous hospitality, I can see why!' Ho, flaming, ho. And that's how Judith Chalmers made a living for 127 years.
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Saw Guernica the other day. In Madrid, where it wasn't allowed to be shown for decades by Picasso while Franco was in charge. Having laboured under the misapprehension that Picasso was a bit of a fruitcake, I take it all back. I thought the painting was wonderful and completely understand why there is so much fuss about it.
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As you can guess, I've had a few days in Spain. Madrid, Segovia and Salamanca. They all have a Jewish quarter. Was trying to work out why and then it struck me. The reason there's so many Jewish quarters is because we never do anything by halves.
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Back home now after a trip where two return flights cost just £90 and five days of putting a cat and dog into kennels/cattery cost a further £112. Work that one out.
Wish you were here?....Solly
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