It's All Academic

According to a story today, not one we wrote, married couples who have regular sex (with each other I presume) are happier and stay together longer.
I mentioned this to my wife. She pointed out that once every two months is very regular. Regular as clockwork. So that's why I'm so happy.
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Education is a right not a privilege. So to charge students £9,000 a year is simply wrong. Guess who's got a daughter coming up for university then? But supposing we assume the government needs the extra money to pay for our education system. Here's my ten point plan to raising the funds.
1.Tax anyone doing media studies the full £9,000. Of course.
2.Housewives with degrees. Tax all women who slaved for three years to get a degree only to then go and marry a rich man and stay at home, supposedly looking after the kids and joining book clubs. Tax them £9k a year - their husbands can afford it. It's the cost of a couple of decent handbags and a pair of Jimmy Choo's plus a weekly sesh at the Manhattan Nail Bar (Loughton branch.) Call it The Milf Round or a Cougar Tax to make it go up the rankings on a search engine. Catching the women is easy. Send hit squads to hang around double yellow lines near schools, wait for a 4x4 to park badly and for a woman with dyed hair and wearing Uggs to get out then pounce. Alternatively, raid Costa Coffee at around 9.15am on a weekday morning and round up everyone inside. Failing that, get them at the David Lloyd a little later.
3.Sir Philip Green, Vodafone and every company worth billions who pay less tax than those on the minimum wage. Tax them on every penny they have avoided through legal loopholes and give it to students.
4.Any student who wears one of them PLO/Hamas-style red and white (or black and white) scarf shawl things as a fashion statement. Unless they really are in Hamas of course. Make them pay the full £9k tuition fee. Then punch them.
5.Make all footballers pay a bad taste tax on tinted windows, blacked out wheels, monogrammed leather seats, chrome paintwork and any other car 'improvement.' And all those who wear snoods too.
6.Tax any man who wears Crocs. Or those quilted jackets with a corduroy collar.
7.All those students who went to Twickenham today to watch the Oxford-Cambridge rugby match instead of going on the march. Tax them and their parents.
8.Any celebrity who has ever been awarded one of those ridiculous 'honorary degrees' in a vain bid to get that university into the paper should be made to sponsor 10 students a year at that university for the rest of his or her life, whether it's Billy Connolly or Nelson Mandela (but better if it's someone younger because then the sponsorship will last longer). And cut the funding of the university that pulls this lame stunt.
9.Tax all members of the Bullingdon Club and any similar organisation. Then punch them too.
10.Tax Sir Philip Green. Again. Just for the hell of it. Call it The Wanker Tax. Then extend it to Simon Cowell, Michael Winner and Alan Sugar.
Problem solved. Next!
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Why do masons all dress the same in very distinct outfits of black jackets, pin stripe trousers and carry those ostentatious big square briefcases? I thought it was supposed to be a secret society. The Mutant Arms, my local, was full of them again today. Some of them even had matching boaters on. Most bizarre.
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Maybe it's just me but I don't get this fascination with David Walliams' missus, Lara Stone. She's just been voted model of the year. A model for what? Methodone? Fence posts? Not a role model surely. I know they are thin - we work up the road from Premier Models and from The Mutant we see them on the street smoking and the male models pulling those faces like Ben Stiller in Zoolander.
But Lara Stone looks like a hollowed out skeleton who needs a good dentist and a good meal. She's a model but she's not looking good.
Air kiss, mwah....Solly
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